


Forgiveness

by hinotoriii



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 06:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13428447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hinotoriii/pseuds/hinotoriii
Summary: After leaving Nar Shaddaa and having learnt the dark truth of Atton's past, Aria steals a moment to attempt to fix the friendship that may have broken between the two of them. If she can.





	Forgiveness

It takes far too long for Aria to find her own courage.  
  
Most of the crew are sleeping, the only sign of life noticeable to her as she'd made her way through the ship being T3. The low humming of the droids circuits could be heard as he moved, only stopping once he'd reached the next area that needed a quick patch-up in his round of repairs. Usually Aria found the sound of him working relaxing - especially on the nights where the only gifts sleep had to offer her were in the form of nightmares - a comfortable reminder that the _Ebon Hawk_ was always in safe hands, but for once even that can't calm the nerves stirring up a storm within her.  
  
No. With each step closer she takes towards the _Ebon Hawks_ cockpit, the more her anxiety grows.  
  
She knows Atton at least is still awake.  
  
Once Aria used to wonder what it was that haunted him enough that he slept as little as she. She'd put it down to the war at first, choosing never to press in fear of accidentally triggering a particularly painful memory of his. It had been an unspoken agreement between the two of them; she would never ask about his past, and in return Atton never questioned about hers, despite the obvious curiosity he's held back ever since Bao-Dur first called her General. It had been an agreement that worked well for them, mostly. Until Nar Shaddaa.  
  
More specifically, until she'd been led on by rumours for so long that she eventually pressed Atton enough to learn the dark and horrid truths which he’d never wanted her to find out.  
  
Even as she thinks back on it, Aria can't help but wince at how she'd both dealt with the situation and her reactions. Poorly didn't begin to cover it, yet she'd just been so shocked at the discovery.

Not long after Aria found herself thrown headfirst into the pit of troubles which had been born of both Visquis and Goto, and there had been no opportunities for her to try and fix things between Atton and herself like she so desperately wished too. It is only now, as they make their way towards Onderon that a chance has finally been offered her way. A chance which terrifies her.  
  
Aria can't help but fear that if things fall apart whilst they speak this time, it would be enough to break whatever it is they share - for she has never been able to find an appropriate name for it -  far beyond the point of any chance of repair. And that's something she absolutely doesn't want to happen. To _lose_ Atton; lose his trust in her, his loyalty, his _friendship_ ...  
  
Perhaps the heavy weight of what that would do to her is the reason why she spends so long lingering with her side pressed against the doorway, simply watching him. His fingers glide over the ships controls with natural ease, and Aria can imagine how he's likely playing Pazaak in his head again as he works, distracting himself from whatever's worrying him this time - for if there is one thing she's learned about Atton, it is that beneath all the snark and bravado he wears like armour to shield himself against the world, there is a man constantly worried over something, no matter if it's a large or small concern - with the familiar math and numbers.    
  
"The ship does have an autopilot function, you know. Incase you ever want a break,” She eventually says. Her words are light and gentle, as if they alone were testing the air that rests between them with delicate fingertips. Aria watches Attons' profile for the slightest reaction, notes how his shoulders stiffen and how he fails to turn to face her when he replies.  
  
"I know, and I’ve already set our course with it. What I’m doing right _now_ is checking to make sure that all of our ships systems are still in check, 'cause if not we might need to stop off somewhere before we continue onwards."  
  
"I think T3 might be helping you with that. I just saw him doing maintenance on my way over here."  
  
Aria hears Atton scoff - the sound something familiar whenever they spoke about T3. "The walking trash compactor's got to be useful for something around here, I guess."  
  
"I know you’re more fond of him than you like to show," Aria says, letting out a small laugh as she shakes her head.  
  
She pushes herself away from the doorway, taking a few tentative steps further into the room. Her laughter dies as she realises Atton's hands have grown still over the controls, sensing that he's waiting for whatever her next words could be.  
  
"Thank you," She begins, nervously wringing her own hands as she speaks. "For coming to find me on Goto's ship. And for caring enough to tell me how big of a trap I was about to walk into. Even though I already knew."  
  
Aria watches Atton as he stiffly shakes his head. "Yeah, well. Unlike popular belief right now, I’m not actually all that fond of the idea of you dying."  
  
Like a dagger coated in poison the words strike at her, and Aria has to clench her eyes against the wave of pain the words cause. It’s deserved however, especially after the venom she’d spat towards him. She sucks in a deep breath, shifting to stand a little taller, attempting to seem a little braver despite the vicious way her stomach continues to tighten into knots.  
  
“I deserved that,” She says, following up with “and I owe you an apology.”  
  
“An apology?” Atton asks incredulously. Aria sets her hands behind her back, still wringing them.  
  
“When we spoke ... before. I reacted poorly. You ... didn’t deserve that.”  
  
“Didn’t I?”  
  
Finally, Atton turns around to face her and - god. Even from a distance Aria can read the exhaustion stretched clear across his face. She's unsure if it's just tiredness, or if perhaps the bags beneath his eyes are born of something else. Concern? Maybe even self loathing.  
  
“I told you I used to be an assassin, someone who hunted Jedi in the name of the Sith. I very likely murdered people you once considered friends, under Revan’s command no less. Made so many of them suffer before they eventually died. Honestly, I think you’re more than a little entitled to hate me for that.”  
  
“I don’t hate you,” Aria says, pushing aside the hurt Attons words leave her feeling. She shakes her head as if to shake free of it. “I _can’t_ hate you, Atton. Yes, the things you've done in your past are more than terrible, but I’d be a hypocrite to stand here and pretend like I was anything better. Which is what I did before, and I'm truly sorry for it."  
  
“You don’t have to be sorry,” Atton heavily sighs, leaning his head back in his chair and staring up towards the ceiling. “I get it, alright. I'm not proud of what I’ve done, but it’s not like I can change it now.”  
  
“Just answer me one thing.”  
  
Atton's gaze falls to focus on Aria, an eyebrow slowing rising, silently inviting her to continue.  
  
“If you _could_ change things ... if you could choose not to have walked that path ... would you?”  
  
Aria watches as Atton’s face morphs with confusion.  
  
“What kind of a question even is that? If I knew then what I knew now, of course I wouldn't have done what I did. The only reason I did in the first place was because I thought I was acting in the galaxy's best interests. And I was wrong."  
  
Quietly, Aria takes a few steps forward. She's careful, making sure to maintain eye contact as she moves. Atton watches her cautiously, and she considers how right now he's almost as skittish as a wild animal, ready to run away if he suddenly feels trapped. The last thing she wants to do is to scare him off.  
  
As she stands before him Aria reaches out, gently taking one of his hands into both of her own. She continues to watch him, even as his own attention flickers questioningly for a long moment towards where their hands touch.  
  
"There are many things I have done which I too am not proud of. Decisions that when I think back on them I wonder if maybe there could have been another way. A better way. The ghosts of those decisions - of the _people_ that my actions affected - they still continue to haunt me. In my dreams, my nightmares, my own memories. I can often feel them here -" Aria pulls one of her hands free and presses it against her chest "- the pain of my actions being a constant living reminder to me."  
  
"Aria, Come on,” Says Atton, frowning. He shakes his head, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck with the hand Aria isn’t currently holding. “I know I brought up your past, but I was angry. The situations we’ve experienced were completely different -”  
  
“The only difference between the two is that you were following orders, and Revan’s ones at that. And we both know now that she wasn’t the Revan we both knew during the war at that particular point in time. Me however? I wasn’t only following orders. I was _giving_ most of them.”  
  
The way Aria sees it, Atton was just the gun, the weapon used to inflict such cruelty. But people such as Revan, Malak and even herself, they were the true murderers. They may have won the war against the Mandalorians, but in doing so their actions sparked the Jedi Civil War, a second war that brought far more trouble to the galaxy.  
  
Revan and Malak - seen as saviours in the eyes of many - soon fell to the dark side. So many planets were either forever changed or destroyed, including Telos. And then there came Aria’s own greatest sin. Malachor V.  
  
It is a sin that will likely forever haunt her.  
  
Before, in the heat of their argument back on Nar Shaddaa, Atton had asked Aria how she manages to even live with herself after what had befallen the planet. The truth she tries to hide from most of the world is that she can’t. For ten years she wandered the galaxy, doing any odd jobs that would help to take her mind off both the empty hollowness inside herself where the Force had once flowed so strongly, as well as the memories of all the death and destruction she had caused. And in those ten years the pain of her actions had never left her. Never had it truly subsided into anything like a dull ache either, instead remaining like a tender wound which struggled to heal over properly.  
  
Aria hadn’t even pulled the trigger when delivering the order which had sealed that planets fate, either. Instead, she’d turned Bao-Dur into the weapon, just as Revan’s lead had crafted Atton into one.  
  
At her words Atton sighs once more, dropping his free hand back into his lap. He looks at Aria with sadness, and she feels then how truly, they’re both broken inside far beyond any real repair. Maybe they were just as broken as each other.  
  
And because of that fact, they could only acknowledge the past horrors dealt by their equally blood-stained hands.  
  
“Can’t we just agree that we both have done some pretty fucked up things in our pasts? I kinda hate fighting with you, especially considering you’re one of the only few sane people on this damn ship.”  
  
“We can. But before we move on from this,” Aria frees her hand from Atton’s to instead press it gently against his cheek. She notes his surprise, along with the way he seems to intuitively lean closer  into her palm. “Know that I forgive you. That I will never hold this against you.”  
  
Atton’s eyes slide closed for a brief a moment, something akin to pain washing over his face. He lifts his hand to press it against Aria’s, his rough fingertips that poke out of the fingerless gloves he wears lightly brushing against her own as he threads their fingers together, gripping for a long beat of a moment as if he needs her there to help anchor him. Aria gives him the support freely, makes sure that she doesn’t leave him drowning in the sea of his own regrets.  
  
“ _Thank you._ ”  
  
The words mean so much, carry so much weight within them. They are spoken roughly, as if they strain Atton to even get out past his throat. Knowing Atton as well as she does Aria suspects the words were hardly easy for him to admit, and she can’t help but to feel a little proud to realise he is showing such a different side of himself to her. He is not hiding behind his own wit and cleverness for once, but instead showing Aria a glimpse of the truth; how beneath the facade there is a broken, vulnerable man, carefully hidden from many behind intricately constructed walls.  
  
Slowly Aria pulls her hands away, moving about the small cockpit so that she can sit in the co-pilot's chair next to Atton. He watches her as turns in his own seat so that it’s facing the large viewpoint once more, but it's not a stare which feels awkward or unwelcome. As she sits Aria curls her legs up beneath herself, making herself more comfortable in the tired old seat, the worn leather squeaking beneath her. She turns to look towards Atton again, a lock of her blonde hair gently falling out of her place from her braid as she does so.  
  
"What was it that made you turn away from it all in the end?"  
  
Earlier it would have been a dangerous question to ask. When they were both hurt, and angry. But now Atton understands that she means no harm or spitefulness with the words but that she is just simply intrigued. He gives a little shrug of his shoulders.  
  
"It's a, ah ... rather long story."  
  
"I've got time," says Aria, still watching him intently. “Trust me. I can rarely sleep like a normal person would.”  
  
Atton breathes out a brief huff of laughter. “That I know well, considering the number of late night Pazaak games we’ve played together.”  
  
“Atton,” Aria carefully nudges, the word light, like a soft feather caught on a breeze.  
  
Atton’s brief sign of humour falls. For a moment he remains silent. Thoughtful, as if he were deciding if the discussion is something he’s comfortable opening up to Aria about.  His focus is drawn back to the ships controls sitting stretched out before him, as if they're distraction enough from whatever darkness is plaguing his thoughts. Aria waits patiently, knowing Atton will either choose his words in his own time, or simply tell her it’s not something he wants to discuss.  
  
"Well ... I suppose it started with a woman. A Jedi." Aria watches how his gaze flickers over the numerous buttons in front of him. "I never knew what her name was, or who she really was, but she sought me out. Told me that she'd come to save me."  
  
" _Save you?_ " Aria asks, frowning. "From what?"  
  
Atton merely shakes his head.  
  
"Even now I'm not sure how much of what she told me was the truth. Not that it matters, enough of what mattered managed to catch my attention. She said that Revan was doing something terrible to Jedi within the Unknown Regions. That part wasn’t really much of a secret - even during the Civil War it was well known that any captured Jedi were sent to a place which was specifically designed to, erm. Break them, I guess you would say.” Atton’s eyes quickly dance in Aria’s direction, as if gauging her reaction to what he’s said so far, before settling back on the control panel again. “But this woman - this Jedi - she went on to explain that anyone under Revan's command who showed any sort of ability with the Force ended up being sent there too. I knew at least part of what she was telling me was likely true because people _were_ already disappearing. The reality of it all was that the missing were being taken, and that Revan had people trained who were doing things to break _them_ too. She was training them to become Dark Jedi, and if they weren’t good enough for that they were crafted into the perfect assassins trained to hunt and kill the Jedi."  
  
"But you were already an assassin at this point. What did any of this have to do with you being in danger?"  
  
For a long moment, all that is between the two of them is silence. Atton doesn't respond, and Aria tilts her head, noting how he looks as if he's battling with whatever words have yet to be said. All of a sudden Aria feels as if the pieces somehow slide themselves into place, and through her surprise she finds herself aching at the truth she discovers she understands.  
  
"You're Force sensitive, aren't you?"  
  
Atton swallows, throat bobbing visibly with anxiety. Aria catches sight of the quick way his tongue pokes out to wet his bottom lip before Atton’s rubbing a gloved hand over his mouth.  
  
"It's why I was so good at killing Jedi, I suppose. The woman told me that once the Sith worked it out for themselves they'd take me to that place too, and that if they did I wouldn't be able to escape from what would happen. If they found out just what I was they would craft me into an instrument of the dark side. Forever."  
  
"What happened after she told you that?" Aria questions, sitting up a little straighter, concern growing with the more she hears. Across from her Atton lets out a shuddering sigh, hanging his head slightly over the console.  
  
"I didn't want to believe her, so I did what I did with all of the Jedi I caught. I hurt her. A lot. But just as I thought she couldn't take any more of the torture I was putting her through, she showed me the Force. Just a glimpse of it. In my head. But in that single moment I felt ... _everything_ she felt, and how what I was doing to her ..."  
  
Atton pauses, caught over the words which are lost to him. Aria watches how he visibly grimaces against the memory, notices how his hands grip tightly onto the surface of the ships control console. So much so that she notices his knuckles turn white under the strain.  
  
When he finally finds words once more, his voice is strained. _Pained._  
  
"I think I loved her. But it wasn't a regular kind of love. It wasn't romantic, or lustful, or like something you'd feel towards a family member. I’d never experienced anything like it before, and I don’t really know if I even can explain what it was. But I guess it was like ... that sort of love where you're willing to give up absolutely everything for someone that you've never even known." Another pause, although this time it's soon followed by a brief growl of frustration. "That doesn't even make _sense -_ "  
  
"No, it does," Aria quickly interrupts. Atton's shocked attention snaps towards her. "That feeling - it's a Jedi feeling, Atton. We call it a love of compassion, not for one creature or one person but for all aspects of the Force and everything it touches.”  
  
Aria knows how such a thing would have likely been overwhelming for Atton. To suddenly feel that sense of being so in tune with everything that surrounds you, to allow yourself to fully embrace how _alive_ the Force itself truly is. Tapping into that so unexpectedly would have been terrifying for him, just as much as it had been when Aria found herself so abruptly separated from it. Leaving the Jedi and the Order behind was something she could accept - on reflection Aria sometimes wonders if she had truly belonged there in the first place. If any of the Jedi who had chosen to fight for what they believed had truly belonged of what the Order had chosen to become - but the absolute feeling of emptiness she had lived with? The empty pit within herself where once the Force had thrived? That was what had made her feel truly alone.  
  
For Atton though, it likely would have felt like a intrusion.  
  
“Well, whatever it was, it scared me. I hated that she got into my head, that she’d opened her own mind to mine and shown me that. Before she did all I could think was how much I was going to love killing her, but afterwards? I think in the end ... I killed her _because_ I loved her.”  
  
Aria doesn’t try to hold back the wince that comes over her, instead turning her head to stare back out at the expanse of galaxy that stretched out of the viewpoint window. The scenario plays out clearly within her mind; a Jedi, who followed their senses and tried so desperately to save someone despite them being their torturer, later their executor. And Atton, his hands stained with blood while his mind whirls with fear at what’s awoken within himself, likely wondering where to turn next.  
  
“That’s why you distract your mind. Why you play Pazaak in your head,” Aria shares, sounding far too calm considering the weight of Atton's truths. “You hated the intrusion.”  
  
“At the time, yeah. I did. And I still don’t like it now whenever Kreia tries to creep her way in there. But it was more than that.”  
  
Aria hears the cracking of leather as Atton leans back in his chair, the long huff of air he breathes out.  
  
“I felt her die, Aria. I’ve never — no matter how many people I killed, I was never there on receiving end to feel when their life drained away. But this Jedi ... she sacrificed herself. For me. She died keeping my secret, made sure the Sith didn’t know that I was Force sensitive. And all I could think was ... what a waste. What a waste to die for an asshole like me.” Atton sucks in a heavy, staggering breath. “And that was when I realised that I couldn’t keep doing what it was I was doing. So, I left."  
  
"It wasn't a waste. Don't say that," Aria says, tone close but not quite to scolding. She briefly wonders if the Jedi Atton talks about was one of the few that fought in the Mandalorian Wars, or if instead she were part of those that had decided to stay clear of the conflict of battle. Given what she's heard, Aria thinks it's more likely she was the former.  
  
"Feels like it was to me. All I did afterwards was run. I fled with the displaced war veterans and went to Nar Shaddaa, and that's where I stayed until the war finally came to an end. I told myself I wanted nothing to do with it all - no more Jedi or Sith, or Dark Jedi, or even just the Force itself. All I wanted was to be left alone. Because if I was alone, away from it all then at least I could pretend that nothing had changed within me. Even if I knew that wasn't the truth. But then ... I met you."  
  
As Aria turns her gaze towards him once more, she notices that he's looking at her as if he sees something ... more. He looks away, breathing out a weak huff of laughter, the corner of his lips tilted upwards ever so slightly with the signs of a barely there smile.  
  
"You really changed all the plans I had for myself, you know that? There I was, prepared to never get myself caught up in anything bigger than myself anymore, and then you showed up on Peragus wearing as little clothing as possible ready to change everything. As soon as I first saw you I knew I'd already decided I was going to help you; part of me even thought that maybe that's why I'd been saved in the first place."  
  
"And you _have_ helped me. I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have now on my own. But if for any reason you now feel like you want to leave -"  
  
"Not gunna happen," Atton cuts in, shaking his head with a frown. "I'm not leaving you until you want me to leave - and even then you'd better have a good excuse for it."  
  
"I'm not going to just kick you off the ship, Atton. After all, where would I find another pilot like you?" She shares a small smile in his direction.  
  
"You wouldn't," Says Atton, catching on to Aria's humour. "I'm one of a kind."  
  
Aria breathes out a little laugh, nodding in silent agreement. She reaches over the space between them, resting a comforting hand against Atton’s shoulder.  
  
“I wouldn’t ask for anyone else.”  
  
Atton smiles at her, a hint of the familiar, cocky smirk he often wears. Only ... softer. The words spread much further, mean much more - a fact they both know well. In his own words, Atton is as Atton ever would be, and regardless of the past that continues to haunt him, Aria trusts him completely. Respects him.  
  
Is thankful for him, and all the friendship and support he gives her.  
  
“I have an idea,” Aria begins, lifting her hand away from Atton’s shoulder.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I don’t know if it’s something you’d be comfortable with, but if you like ... I can find a way to train you in the Force somewhat. Teach you how you can embrace it, allow you to understand it better.”  
  
"You'd ... that's something you'd be prepared to do?" Atton asks, sounding shocked. Aria nods.  
  
"If you are Force sensitive, then recognising what that means is very a good idea. I know you have your Echani training, and that you're good at shooting things. Not to mention the mental exercises you've developed -"  
  
"Not that I don't appreciate the flattery of all my _many_ abilities, but ..."  
  
"What I mean is, knowing more about what you can do alongside the Force could be a great asset to you. Even if you never intend on using it yourself, having a greater understanding would keep you safe from anyone who would look at inexperience for weakness, or something they could abuse."  
  
_Like the Sith_ , Aria thinks, yet leaves unsaid between them both. Just as Atton often expresses how he wishes to protect and help her, Aria too wishes to protect and help _him_ return. And if just having more knowledge about something that has always been a part of him - no matter how long it had been dormant - helps...  
  
Yet she knows how fragile a topic this is for Atton. Realises how he - at least during one point in his life - felt that the Jedi and the Sith were as good as the same. He may still have similar thoughts, at least towards those still alive in the Order who had remained behind while the galaxy tore itself apart with war. It's a truth she considers, briefly casting her eyes downwards, hesitant.  
  
"I understand it's something you may not even want to consider. Or that you'd even want me to train you with. If you prefer, I can always -"  
  
"No," Atton interrupts. The sudden strength in his voice surprises her, causes Aria to meet his determined gaze again. "No. If anyone is going to train me with this, then it's you. It ... it _has_ to be you. I don't - I don't think I trust anyone else to do so. But I think ... no, I _want_ to learn."  
  
For a moment all Aria can do is blink, caught off-guard and speechless. She thought it may have been something he’d like to consider, but what she hadn’t expected is how set he is on having her as his teacher. She quickly realises that it makes sense — Atton could never settle whatever it is that causes him to dislike Mical so much enough to allow him to guide him, Aria knew he could barely stand Kreia, she’s rarely seen him really talk to Visas, and with hardly any other Jedi or Force users that they know of willing to train people ... that only left her.  
  
Like when Mical had asked for further training, Aria feels her stomach flip with nervousness. But already she knew she would agree to train him. How could she not, when he trusted her so fully with such a fragile part of himself?  
  
“If that’s what you wish, then of course. I will train you.”  
  
Relief appears to wash over Atton, and Aria watches the grateful smile he gives her.  
  
“I appreciate it,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest as he leans back in his seat, He looks more relaxed, and Aria wonders if talking has helped to lift what once was a heavy weight from his shoulders.  
  
“You know, the funny thing is I didn’t want to tell you about what I was ... before,” Atton continues. “Well I mean, I knew I’d eventually _have_ to, even if it made you end up hating me in the end. And yet ... you know the truth now. And ... you _don’t_ hate me.” Aria watches how Atton’s brow creases into a confused frown, before he’s breathing out a disbelieving little laugh. “I honestly don’t know why you don’t - I mean, I don’t know if I’d be as forgiving if I were in your shoes - but I guess that’s a Jedi thing? Or ... no ...”  
  
Atton pauses, taking a moment to gaze at Aria.  
  
“Maybe it’s more of a _you_ thing.”  
  
“I’m not exactly the most conventional Jedi. I don’t even know if I can really _count_ myself as a true Jedi anymore,” Aria replies, shifting slightly in her seat. She hears Atton let out another brief laugh to himself.  
  
“Maybe that’s just it. Either way, now that you know everything, I feel ... better? I certainly wasn’t expecting this outcome, but ... I want you to understand that I’m no longer afraid of what I might be. Of however it is I’m linked to this Force stuff. Not to mention how there’s the fact that in learning more about it I can use it to help protect you. Or at least help buy you some time if the situation ever needed it.”  
  
”Is this your roundabout way of trying to tell me you want a lightsaber?” Aria asks, amused. Atton grins.  
  
“Maybe.”  
  
Aria’s expression softens, something within her chest feeling light at the sight of Atton appearing both happier and more comfortable now they've spoken properly.   
  
“Let’s take this training thing one step at a time. We’ll get to that point eventually.”


End file.
